God will let you know you are capable and not to doubt yourself and literally leap. Yet before you can see the light you must first succumb to the storm.
(2 months ago)
I decided that it was time to move, I no longer fit into my current circumstances and I had to put myself in proper alignment with LOVE and LIVE LIFE. I decided that although it came with a heavy sacrifice, I decided to move. Since then things have gone in a direction unforeseen. Yet on my way to my new destination it literally stormed and flooded as I was packed in my car and literally next to no money to my name, I was in transit. I vowed nothing could stop me and in that battle, I drove slowly and steadfast until I arrived at my destination.
(Labor Day Weekend)
This past weekend I watched what 80 years of life looked like. I then turned around in the same breathe looked at 65 years of love in all its many faces. I watched as two beings were connected to a vast variation but an equal representation of themselves.
The weekend was filled with music, family, and plenty of jokes, liquor, and most importantly family. By no means was it perfect as nothing is but perfection was achieved. In attendance to witness men being fathers, women sharing laughter, and so much diverse wisdom. I took time to bond with my nephew in the absence of my own children. I got some insight and even discussed life with my brother. I laughed with my cousins and got some much-needed wisdom from my uncle and stepfather. Went bowling which is one of my favorite leisure activities but ironically is my grandfathers favorite as well and he & my grandmother pulled out their own shoes and bowling balls. After the celebration, I visited my paternal grandparents as well as my father, stepmother, and baby sister. I was actually quite jubilant. I linked with a great friend of mine. One of my players whom I coached a few years ago reached out and we did lunch plus did a little mentor-mentee talking. In the same occurrence, we stopped by to see one of my long-time coaches and mentors. Overall my weekend was a roller coaster of events. I viewed a new dwelling for my aunt and uncle even found a new interest. This all happened in a matter of 3 days. It was all an overloaded expense that was well worth it. How it ended was the juxtaposition.
(Crucified and resurrected in 3 days)
Now I am no superior being or biblical entity but all of those things ended in such a destructive nature. On the actual removal of internal hurt, turmoil, deceit, pain, and false following. I found myself staring death in the face and not only that but I was in the driver’s seat. I found myself drowsy and seeking just a bit more road more before I could find a place to stop. What ensued was a collision and totaling my brother’s car. Smack right into the guardrail. In my heart, I felt responsible for almost the thought of harming my family. Destroying property and even not being safe enough. Luckily all left the scene able to walk with the exception of my nephew who has not mastered that stage of life yet. In that moment I cried, I was shaking, I was not so much so afraid, but more so ashamed. I had fumbled the ball. The next day I was chastised for not being smarter and taking heed to the time of evening we departed. The night or early morning of, GOD sent an Angel in disguise. This woman with a truck took me and my family to Tulsa, as we waited at the hospital I slept to wish that the instance was just a dream. As I had awakened it was everything imaginable but a dream. I spent the day completely numb. I found much less motivation than I had ever before. I had been smashed with a barrage of instances in which my thoughts of purpose were questioned. Why was I failing and all I wanted was success? Where was I going wrong? I knew then that at that very moment, little to nothing and I felt help-, hope-, and pointless.
I found myself somewhat erupting, I also found myself looking to self-destruct. Looking to drink my problems away, light up my worries and smoke them away, turn around file away my pains in my cabinet and conceal them. I hid my hurt. It is easy now, I have done it for years, mastered it actually. I found ways to avoid it, gave excuses to why I deserved it, and simply acknowledged that I earned it. Showing hurt was showing weakness and in my eyes weakness is dishonorable. I had too many people to look at me for strength for me to be a wounded or a weak warrior. It was not in my nature to be seen as anything less than strong. I have scars to prove my battles, stories to recall my wars, and constant reminders to show me my mishaps.
Until my brother hugged me and said, “I love you and we are ok”, at that very moment I felt unconditional love, not the sting of why would you make this mistake as if it was my intention in the first place. I saw my nephew smile, remembered all that had transpired in the past 3 days and reflected on my children.
(2 Days After)
That morning I took a walk with my mother and we walked a few miles and talked, I saw my brother and we hugged, I talked with my stepfather and had an intriguing conversation with my prince and even slight gibberish with my princess. I received a few people checking in on me and I felt significant, I felt needed not used but appreciated and humble. I realized all the wonderful things I have in my life and begin to give away the thoughts of what could or should have been. Where and how I lacked in my perspective in many areas plus all the pieces I desired most. Not realizing I had all I needed right in front of me.
If this is inception or some sci-fi movie I may have died in that car wreck in an alternate universe but in this reality, I and those I love dearly walked away standing and realized I was given an enormous task and that before I could be tested, I had to be ready. I may not have left my physical body but something in me died and I am glad that it did. I am one to brush away intense levels of feeling and even gratitude but I am beyond grateful.
From that moment I have been resurrected.