Living Single

Hands down the best choice I ever made from the time I hit puberty til about yesterday was being single.

How free it is to find who you are in the destruction of who you claimed or were expected to be. From the time I was born until yesterday(not literally) but here recently being in a union was a big part of me. Maybe it was fear of loneliness, separation anxiety, or sheer desire to have something that will not leave and or fail me. I chose to be in relationships that looked good on social media, that sounded good on paper, and even some that were amazing to the other person. The act of selflessness? Lack of assertiveness? Self-esteem issues and self-doubt? Yeah a bit of all the above mixed with selfishness for not being utterly and bluntly honest with not just myself but those around me. I waited until I was enraged or worst used petty tactics to push people out. A wanderer, a nomad, raised in the lone star state, that I guess is where it began. A believer in truth but not always a willing participant in it for fear of retaliation.

Well that all does and doesn’t matter. Why because I saw so many highs & lows in the relationships I experienced. So, on my life journey, they helped grow me so maybe [just maybe] I didn’t completely find myself lost. 

Lauryn Hill said it best, ” If we were not able to turn things around why do cars have steering wheels?” 

For the roads I traveled and crashes I have encountered, I found myself able to still turn it around. I was born without a GPS, aimlessly attempting to find my identity. As a child fitting in was never my niche, I stood out whether I wanted to or didn’t. I would find trouble, excitement, adventure, and experience. I was everything that was not supposed to fit but ironically blended like a smooth melody over a tight beat. I was poetry in motion and organized chaos followed by calm Zephyrs and afternoon delights. My laurels simple milestones to build me up, my mishaps just life lessons to strengthen my character. I failed so much and succeeded equally that neither felt foreign but the balance was the issue. I put that task in the hands of every relationship, I placed on my armor and grasped my weapons went to battle and I hoped to have a partner fill or supply me with the ammunition I needed. This was not always the narrative, yet I am grateful. As battle intensified I hoped every partner was that person to let me know what I needed. Sometimes I attacked my partner and my own turmoil was in house, I had to learn the art of war. I felt let down by those I was involved with not realizing I was letting myself down.

As I look back it was truly simple minded to not think as such. Only thing is I was torn between multiple visuals. A product of two parents who were never married, my father’s namesake, and dysfunction. I watched two sets of Grandparents married and apart from a different dance. With my maternal grandparents celebrating 65 years of a Marital union in October, and my paternal grandparents just celebrating their 47th year in May. I saw a confusion of highs and lows, paired with what it felt like to be in the midst of baby mama and baby daddy drama. Now that has shifted as both my parents have married and are in their own respective households of happiness yet, It was a constant of uneven proportions. I needed to find my balance in the midst and what fit instead of the extremes placed in my view, I set my vision on advanced goals.

Now back to this refreshing lifestyle called single. It comes with its downfalls as do most things but the upside is so worth it. No worry or wondering if you have done something to upset someone. Not because you may not be dating or having someone relying on you, as in my case my children. It is simply because well you are the numerator and denominator. No fractions of you are going anywhere it is unwilling to go. No more making time for those who make you options and no more messy situationship & petty you mine but not mine games. Being single is like the proverbial equivalent to slamming a MotoRazr or flip phone down when you are finished talking type of feeling. It seems so rude but is so satisfying. Yes, it seems to be a place of peace but still comes with flaws. 

The downside is that comfort of consistent partner but as the one thing that lacks in this matrix comes with the best insight, the truest form of discovery which is YOURSELF. It is like electives, you choose what is interesting and constantly find out more about yourself. That consistent and unwavering knowledge of security is gone when casually dating, and not knowing the integrity and character of others. Yet it is also not solely about having to be involved with someone it is tough learning to be self-involved. Moments of solitude seem scary, silence, and isolation seems almost psychotic. Yet the awakening of your DNA has opened finding who you are, ultimately the best blessing coming into form is your FREEDOM.

(S)lowely, (I)nvading, (N)eglected, (G)ashes, (L)etting, (E)nergy……. Grow & Flow

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