What is Kindness for $1000?

Growing up in the south both kindness and hospitality are second nature, yet never to be confused with weakness. It was an unsung taught notion, be courteous have manners and be hospitable. That also came with a dash of honesty that was not always the sweetest. Moving north brought about unforeseen challenges ones I at a young age failed to adapt to for quite some time. 

My 1st true relationship of what I thought was of generous proportions at a preteen-teenage stage ended solely because I was not playboy enough. I was more interested in being the good guy versus the jerk. Oh quickly did that somewhat change.

Raised by a single mother, she was tough so she allowed me to fight but intellect, manners, and chivalry were her foundational teachings. I could be as rough and rugged as I like (which from the many scars and bruises accrued I did not shy away from). At a young age working hard was not only a deciding factor but the way it was. Thus Honor Rolls, Spelling Bees, Top Scores Test wise, and hard to handle on the blacktop was a given. I worked hard and played 100x harder. Going into my truly discovering years of life puberty, I moved with my father and step-mother.

We would clash for more than one or two reasons, but the main was a lack of ambition in my eyes of them as well as my own idea of responsibility. I had been the go-getter and odd as it may sound the young man of the house. I did not know what it meant to not be the dominant male in the home. Along with that my goals were lofty and those around me seemed to have the goals I sought for the future, but not before completing some major task first. Fast forward to the relationship stated before. Nah, better yet jump into my 1st serious relationship. 

It was like Love at 1st sight someone eclectic, bold, daring and more importantly themselves. I respect uniqueness in a world of cookie-cutter copies. I knew this at a young age, someone unique or different like myself got my blood flowing in more than 1 way. Anywho that ended sort of but it was based on the fact I was:

  1. I was too Available (outside of working and critically involved in sports and doing my school work)
  2. Just a bit too mushy and not edgy enough at my age (I dealt with anger issues early in life so the tough guy act no longer appealed to me.)
  3. Young and just a bit too hormonally charged ( I like women and flirting was sort of a sport)
  4. I was too fucking NICE. (As an asshole I have a moral ethic to not intentionally hurt, sounds condescending right?)

So, yes it sounds like I am playing the victim or downplaying my actions but nope not in the least bit, I liked it and actually enjoyed the way I was, not righteous but at the time closer to the good guy than the bad guy, still the bad guy in different ways. I own it heavily but on the other hand, my girlfriend was looking for a good smack upside the head(literally and metaphorically), and well I vowed to never lay hands on a woman in rage. I like most guys were lacking something the older guys had which in most women’s eyes was money along with the lack of need for them since they could only really give them a few things. If we are being frank, I had it but No I did not have the latest clothes or a new car or a car at all for that matter. I was sort of an anomaly of sorts.

Let’s Take A Quick Jump…

After attempting to play the field and even make a few sequels to relationships that never needed to even happen in the 1st place I met someone who in my eyes was worth the hassle. Similar ambition levels, obvious chemistry, and she again was her genuine and unique self. At this point, though the nice guy shit was out of the window, well sort of. See Geneva nor Rachael or Deborah would not have that shit. The above my granny(RIP) and mother and grandmother, respectively. Yet I was not sooooo innocent anymore, I was cautious and more importantly not all in with anyone because in my experiences BITCHES be lying. So I lie to them RIGHT? we even RIGHT? Right!?

Absolutely fucking WRONG!

Honesty will pierce the soul of the unruly and unjust yet I had not gotten the memo so after the first question I answered {RIGHT}, I agreed and it was you will hear whatever sounds good without intentionally trying to hurt them for the most part. 

Now a disclaimer, I was single/taken on some situationship type shit and really had no reason to lie but I had other stressors and I figured this was not something I wanted to add to my plate. Even though lying added it to my plate anyway [MESSAGE] because well after reflection I learned the error of my ways. 

Yet it didn’t matter we linked got close and cool and well she decided she was interested elsewhere, so back to the drawing board Right? Right!?

Wrong!!!

I had some more messy and terrible situations but let’s fast forward to modern day 2017. Where is that exactly, somewhere between Honesty and Kindness a mix of the savage with a hint of refinement can come with strength, no deceit, and well does not have to be weak? When most say you mistake my kindness for weakness it is not that in many cases, well some but not all but a few. What it is for most is the expectation, that when I give you kindness you return to me what I believe to be kind. We also fail to outline that without communication everything you do and say can be held against you. So for every relationship, where secrets and lies arose, I was giving and receiving them. What they may have thought as thoughtful sweet and kind I may have seen as minuscule or common courtesy. what they thought as innocent or playful I may be viewed as disrespectful. So miscommunication turns into altercations and uneasy hurtful situations. Fighter for sure but a lover 1st so when Love didn’t work I fought and when I fight ain’t no survivors, unless I say so!

Kindness comes at the price of boundaries and understanding. Kindness is being a savage and warrior wrapped in a piece of delicate fabric, like silk. It is stern yet not suffocating. It is saying your peace and it is properly understood the 1st time and setting the foundation. It is saying less and doing more, kindness is the humblest fuck you and the grimiest I love you. It is a paradox of vast proportions. It takes time to master as do most things. Kindness is not weakness it is a gift that can give exponentially to the world, yet should be quite clear and firm. Yes you may want to be giving at first or you may be skeptical but just because someone is willing to give kindness does not mean they are sneaky and just because someone may be “transparent” means they are innocent. Find the truth in it, find the strength in kindness and never let yours be a weakness again. 


Is your weakness being kind, or is your kindness mistaken for weakness?

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