My first jump into getting addicted was about 2 years ago knowingly, I was about to graduate from Undergrad. The thing was I had gone all 5 1/2 years (Double Majored after I changed my major my Junior year) and never really had this experience become addicting. It was like I would take a hit here and there with not much of a flinch or understanding why. As I started off very slow, freshman year for me began differently. Books, sports, and video games in that order. I was Deans List and 1 An away from a 4.0 for both my 1st 2 semesters. By my third semester, it was a natural reflex, get the grades, minds my business, and do my thing. At this point, I was also on pace to graduate in 3 1/2 years and ultimately be super close to no debt.

The thing was God/The Universe/ The highest had a plan for me to get strung out, yet I had no idea it would be this intricate. I can say I was almost cautionary to a fault for I was afraid to fail. I not only excelled in my own work I was tutoring peers, looking back I should have charged a few easy payments of about $20 a session, but you live and you learn and I was being helpful on skills I had ultimately mastered at the time.

-Now before we begin this journey remember college is a journey and well mine took a turn for the worst, well I had assumed until I sat down and reflected on it.

I transferred after freshman year due to multiple factors, finding out about fake friends(DUH!), sports situations, and ultimately unhappiness. Again I wanted things to run smooth and although Freshman came with so many highlights it came equally matched with low lights.


New Campus, new faces, new opportunities, so I believed was my best option. Yet I had not realized what I had gotten myself into. Becoming and absorbing my surroundings was subtle but became a nagging urge and ultimately my reality.

=======>Fast Forward /2 years later/*Spongebob voice*

I am now going to what should be my Senior year[4th year]. In the past two years, I had dropped academically a bit with a few semesters of less than mediocre performance, actually receiving my 1st F not only for an assignment but for a class. Taking summer school to retake a class, smoking, fighting, drinking, partying, and fucking. Yet I had some highlights or sort of, joined a BGLO, had my 1st child, and found new partners(intimately and platonically). I have dealt with a fair share of fall outs, disputes, roommate issues, money problems, and enough stress to turn coal into a diamond then crush that same diamond. At this point, I am 3 semesters, after having to take one semester off away from graduating with 2 degrees in difficult major whilst balancing, social, personal, business, and school life like a juggler. Only thing is I can not fucking juggle, well not that well at least.

At this point, I had not reclaimed all my academic prowess but I had a few Deans List appearances and even a perfect 4.0 semester where I went hard on some of my toughest classes. I had been forgiving and even protected a few unworthy so-called victims. All in all, though I was blessed with my perspective because I was grateful. Yet tasks to overcome were coming on the horizon. So as quick as I was to shoot up I went deeply down a spiraling hole, removal from school for a semester and a nearly $3000 bill stood in between me getting back to school [as a student] in the fall, luckily for me my parents can’t afford to just write me a check for that amount, nor give me the handy credit card. Oh and I still had other things I was focused on sooooo, it was a struggle. One that ultimately I would overcome quietly.

========> Jump to Summer before MY ACTUAL SENIOR YEAR

I am interning for a Forbes top company getting a highly competitive internship along with roughly 250 others and over who knows how many applicants. I was provided with housing and simply was getting paid and had a renewed sense of freedom. I then skillfully transitioned because I needed to keep money flowing with bills, my child, and life itself made it a necessity. Life was moving in a great direction and proud of my personal growth left me feeling almost invincible. I locked up a nice part-time where I was making very good money compared to students who were also working part-time. Not only did I get 1 but scrapped up 2 part-time jobs, and adding volunteer coaching to my plate, as if I was not loaded enough. Yet that semester I was locked in and finished strong and was flying into my final semester, wheels turning and picking up steam.


Now if you have gotten to this point, you are either:

  1. This sounds like either intense or similar college struggle story.
  2. Wondering where this is leading too?
  3. What is this 1st addiction?

#1 well yes actually it is a struggle story similar or maybe even more or less intense than other students, but I left out all the gritty details because that would be a short series. As for #2 and #3 here it is.

I found the addiction to see the limits of my own perseverance but more importantly learn myself. Now everyone allegedly goes to college and learns themselves but mine was on a varied level from most. It lead me to seek my past, present, and future. I faced every level of adversity to test how malleable and dexterous as well as strong I was able to become. I picked up esoteric knowledge(astrology, numerology, tantra, chakras, aromatherapy), internal determination and exploration, musical message, philosophy, & psychology. I added life skills and honed in on public interactions.

In the last few years, I have became addicted to self-improvement, it was like DIY for people. Each teaching led me to my next destination. Yes, I graduated and even after, I have faced difficulties but God will test warriors.

My 1st major addiction was myself, not narcissistic but out of love. Each minor habit or addiction I picked up led me to the point of being addicted to myself, from low self-esteem, lack of confidence, from drinking, to depression, to anxiety, to sex, to smoking, to being irresponsible, overworking, falling into complacency, all the way to downright self-deprecation. I now take a hit of myself daily and see how high I can get. When it seems a bit stale I re-up and make myself a stronger strand.

I no longer feel lost, just simply searching over and over and since it is a never-ending journey it remains exciting at each turn.

Rock bottom, became the solid foundation on which I rebuilt my life.

– J. K. Rowling

When will you, become your own addiction?