My Addiction…

My first jump into getting addicted was about 2 years ago knowingly, I was about to graduate from Undergrad. The thing was I had gone all 5 1/2 years (Double Majored after I changed my major my Junior year) and never really had this experience become addicting. It was like I would take a hit here and there with not much of a flinch or understanding why. As I started off very slow, freshman year for me began differently. Books, sports, and video games in that order. I was Deans List and 1 An away from a 4.0 for both my 1st 2 semesters. By my third semester, it was a natural reflex, get the grades, minds my business, and do my thing. At this point, I was also on pace to graduate in 3 1/2 years and ultimately be super close to no debt.

The thing was God/The Universe/ The highest had a plan for me to get strung out, yet I had no idea it would be this intricate. I can say I was almost cautionary to a fault for I was afraid to fail. I not only excelled in my own work I was tutoring peers, looking back I should have charged a few easy payments of about $20 a session, but you live and you learn and I was being helpful on skills I had ultimately mastered at the time.

-Now before we begin this journey remember college is a journey and well mine took a turn for the worst, well I had assumed until I sat down and reflected on it.

I transferred after freshman year due to multiple factors, finding out about fake friends(DUH!), sports situations, and ultimately unhappiness. Again I wanted things to run smooth and although Freshman came with so many highlights it came equally matched with low lights.

So…..

New Campus, new faces, new opportunities, so I believed was my best option. Yet I had not realized what I had gotten myself into. Becoming and absorbing my surroundings was subtle but became a nagging urge and ultimately my reality.

=======>Fast Forward /2 years later/*Spongebob voice*

I am now going to what should be my Senior year[4th year]. In the past two years, I had dropped academically a bit with a few semesters of less than mediocre performance, actually receiving my 1st F not only for an assignment but for a class. Taking summer school to retake a class, smoking, fighting, drinking, partying, and fucking. Yet I had some highlights or sort of, joined a BGLO, had my 1st child, and found new partners(intimately and platonically). I have dealt with a fair share of fall outs, disputes, roommate issues, money problems, and enough stress to turn coal into a diamond then crush that same diamond. At this point, I am 3 semesters, after having to take one semester off away from graduating with 2 degrees in difficult major whilst balancing, social, personal, business, and school life like a juggler. Only thing is I can not fucking juggle, well not that well at least.

At this point, I had not reclaimed all my academic prowess but I had a few Deans List appearances and even a perfect 4.0 semester where I went hard on some of my toughest classes. I had been forgiving and even protected a few unworthy so-called victims. All in all, though I was blessed with my perspective because I was grateful. Yet tasks to overcome were coming on the horizon. So as quick as I was to shoot up I went deeply down a spiraling hole, removal from school for a semester and a nearly $3000 bill stood in between me getting back to school [as a student] in the fall, luckily for me my parents can’t afford to just write me a check for that amount, nor give me the handy credit card. Oh and I still had other things I was focused on sooooo, it was a struggle. One that ultimately I would overcome quietly.

========> Jump to Summer before MY ACTUAL SENIOR YEAR

I am interning for a Forbes top company getting a highly competitive internship along with roughly 250 others and over who knows how many applicants. I was provided with housing and simply was getting paid and had a renewed sense of freedom. I then skillfully transitioned because I needed to keep money flowing with bills, my child, and life itself made it a necessity. Life was moving in a great direction and proud of my personal growth left me feeling almost invincible. I locked up a nice part-time where I was making very good money compared to students who were also working part-time. Not only did I get 1 but scrapped up 2 part-time jobs, and adding volunteer coaching to my plate, as if I was not loaded enough. Yet that semester I was locked in and finished strong and was flying into my final semester, wheels turning and picking up steam.

————Confidential————

Now if you have gotten to this point, you are either:

  1. This sounds like either intense or similar college struggle story.
  2. Wondering where this is leading too?
  3. What is this 1st addiction?

#1 well yes actually it is a struggle story similar or maybe even more or less intense than other students, but I left out all the gritty details because that would be a short series. As for #2 and #3 here it is.

I found the addiction to see the limits of my own perseverance but more importantly learn myself. Now everyone allegedly goes to college and learns themselves but mine was on a varied level from most. It lead me to seek my past, present, and future. I faced every level of adversity to test how malleable and dexterous as well as strong I was able to become. I picked up esoteric knowledge(astrology, numerology, tantra, chakras, aromatherapy), internal determination and exploration, musical message, philosophy, & psychology. I added life skills and honed in on public interactions.

In the last few years, I have became addicted to self-improvement, it was like DIY for people. Each teaching led me to my next destination. Yes, I graduated and even after, I have faced difficulties but God will test warriors.

My 1st major addiction was myself, not narcissistic but out of love. Each minor habit or addiction I picked up led me to the point of being addicted to myself, from low self-esteem, lack of confidence, from drinking, to depression, to anxiety, to sex, to smoking, to being irresponsible, overworking, falling into complacency, all the way to downright self-deprecation. I now take a hit of myself daily and see how high I can get. When it seems a bit stale I re-up and make myself a stronger strand.

I no longer feel lost, just simply searching over and over and since it is a never-ending journey it remains exciting at each turn.

Rock bottom, became the solid foundation on which I rebuilt my life.

– J. K. Rowling

When will you, become your own addiction?

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