Diary Of A Black Man #19

Dear Diary,

I shed my shield today and removed my armor. I exposed myself, loved on me heavily and even decided that being vulnerable was a blessing. I understand this quote better than ever now.

Life is a balance of letting go and holding on. -Rumi

I was harboring feelings. I walked yesterday and it was at least 3 or 4 Miles and in that trek, I discovered my inner workings and demons. I realized I was holding onto pain and deceit my soul was still in turmoil. No matter how clean the appearance was and how much I’d cleaned things up. Underneath it, all was a trembling and damaged foundation. It was built upon false pretense, lies, and my blind faith and optimism. It was one that made me hold onto deception and disappointment.

Unfortunately the longer I held the more covert it became. Manifesting in finances, romance, and even overall wellness. I was believing that who I am and what I am destined for was this abyss of despair and misery. I had been blending and culminating synergies with others of wrath and internal self-destruction. I was fighting myself like many others around me.

Not understanding that they too were dealing with pain, they were filled with doubt, they too had their tough moments in which their fear depressed them. No matter how sweet the exterior was, that internal clock wasn’t correctly wound up. I am now transmuting that energy and realizing it for what it truly was, a test of faith, boundaries, and love. A moment of realization and resilience. Those doors that weren’t opened, those relationships that fell through, those opportunities that were dead ends. I see they have all brought me higher. It is not easy to do that maintenance and deep clean but it definitely is worth it.

Today felt like a detox…

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