Diary of A Black Man #3

Dear Diary,

Today I woke up in tears, I was flooded and dripping from my face uncontrollably. I had what seemed to be a beautiful dream and at the end was a mess of a nightmare. The trigger the point with which erupted the barren ducts of my pupils.

Today was something I had not experienced in over 2 years, since the passing of my great grandmother. As I watched her lifeless body be carried out on a stretcher my heart and mouth ached and my eyes welled. Yet naturally like almost any other time that I muster up enough emotion to cry, I retreat to do so alone. It has been rare occurrences where I was soothed and accompanied but if we are being honest that is few and far between.

Just like it has taken me 2 years to cry, it had taken me two years to destroy my entire paradigm. My self esteem a facade, my confidence merely a cover up for a grown man with shy boy complex. Unsure if I wanted to fully express my truths for fear of some invisible retaliation.

I have not fully experienced myself, and honestly questioned why what happened to me has transpired. I simply endure it and figure that in some divine nature it means something. Like betrayal, hurt, and disappointment all mean I am mighty and my ability to hold it in is a righteous means to show strength and divinity. Like my allowance of heinous treason and manipulation is one that elevates me to new pinnacles.

My dream made me realize I am lonely, not miserable or bitter just simply lonely. I expect lies, deceit, and I fill those voids with my imagination. My reality skewed to bend the laws of physics in favor of the space in which I can reside blissfully. My tears confirming that my self doubt is as internal as it is perceived externally. My pain deeply woven through the fibers of my being. I can dress it all up, present it in a matter of self assured bullshit but at the end of it all it is deeply rooted insecurity. Hidden under my roots [a dead body], my dead body one that is as lifeless as my granny.

To add to matters I went and walked and it was a few degrees under chilly and barely above bitter. In my commute I shed more tears, realizing that my desires and wants are outside of myself. Yet ironically, I was again in realization that I am alone and counting on another to trot in valiantly, is a mere fairy tale. A companion may be the very result of a beautifully written script, but I can only act it out, as it is great for the screen and ends once the credits roll. My eyes flooded and my face wet from the thoughts of wanting to embody a beacon of unconditional love. I sometimes feel this world is so dangerously diseased that wellness and health are not what they seek but only mere destruction. I want to help the world more than I care to help myself and somehow that flaw has been the very part of me that has led me to the total destruction of myself.

I cried because I plan to show my children strength but I hide from my own Inner G. Today is not even halfway over and I’ve cried multiple times yet my body feels light. This level of vulnerability makes me feel less than, it makes me feel as if I am unworthy.

But today,

I decided to turn my pain and tears into triumph. I decided to choose me and do for others accordingly. Today I decided to be my own best friend and guess what?? I bet you I won’t be lonely anymore…

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