1 heart where I held you just like everyone else in my life whom I love

2 merely allow you to take residence and do nothing but fuck it up

3 is the numeric equivalent to the Roman numeral that no only I brandish at the end of my name but I etched deeply into my flesh a cross my back as you were able to convince me of a crucified lifestyle

4 I knew not of your true intent and how utterly and honestly you left me out of the equation when all I needed was a high

5 to say son, I’m proud of you for even the things I do not understand and that who you are is merely an admirable being to watch yet you placed me at the bottom like

6 o’clock was the time I’d get home already being 13-14 hours in the day. Exhausted from school, practice, and the fact I took public transportation to school. Just to hopefully make it to class by

7 so that I wouldn’t be counted as tardy or delinquent as it would effect my chances to play football on Friday nights, the only time I could remember you acknowledging the hard work I put in and to be honest that shit

8 at me every single day like am I a problem is my worth and accolades not enough, was the jock who scored touchdowns, took IB courses, and stayed on honor roll not enough. I mean when the season was over I would work past

9 on school nights just so I didn’t have to ask you for money to go see a movie or maybe hang out with friends or gas money to put in their cars or yours when you decided to let me use it after it was well under E. Some nights I question myself as if what I thought of you as a little boy was a beautiful lie. I spat at my naive

10 year old self for idolizing a man who seemingly cared more about you having his name and not wanting to support you financially, emotionally, spiritually, or even physically. Where is my hug? Where is the love? Where was the you make me so proud? Where was the I’m disappointed in you, I’ve taught you better? Where were you to teach me better?

If I could muster up all the numbers. Simply because math is still my favorite subject I would at least know unlike you I could always count on it!