Dear Diary,

Today I woke up frustrated thankful but frustrated. I feel stagnant turning my wheels in a wayward and unnatural way. Pessimism is slowly attempting to put out my flame. Today is short and quiet. I am alone in my feeling and no I’m not miserable so I require no party or entourage to partake with me. Over the horizon the sun is setting, what if today is my last day. I feel unfulfilled, truthfully what have I accomplished to give to the world. Have I let my children down? My son idolizes me but who am I is the question?

Today felt powerless, the reins slowly stripped from the grasp of my hands, it was out of control. God I gave a call but today it just rang, I’m positive he is busy with something and someone far more important as my issue is one of self-inflicted and self discovering proportions. Today was a day but it blurred quickly to night. The sun shined but I dare not feel it atop my skin.

Am I being punished, am i being pushed, am i simply being held in place? Somehow today I broke down and not into tears because well for some reason or another it’s hard for me to cry. It’s been almost two years since I’ve cried. That’s when my Granny passed, I was demolished. Does my faux self-assurance come off as arrogant because underneath all this flesh and perception of strength. Is a fragile man who feels abandoned. Discussing my feelings, yeah not something men do, is what I was told and I didn’t see my mother do it either– so I for damn sure have to be tough for her. My daughter & son can’t respect a man who embodies weakness so I for damn sure have to be a protectors for them. They already don’t want to see black men be strong, they already fight to weaken a black mans strength, they already fight for a black man to lose his place. Who is They???

TODAY was null and lost.

Today I ask, “Who Am I?”

Today was:

soft Jazz and smelled of heavy scotch…