Dear Diary,

I promise I’m trying to be my best, I’m seeking my zen, searching for my purpose. Yet for some odd and strange reason I can never find balance. I seemingly fall as if I know not the difference between my left and right. Am I that unbearable, do I seem to show people this image of foolishness? Yet ironically it’s one of those just keep pushing feelings but what am I pushing. My quiet responses leave me feeling trapped in a shell wanting to lash out but I always quietly retreat as that rage does nothing for me mentally, emotionally, or physically. Yet age me quickly.

I needed my Jazz today, I desired composure and elegance, it brought me back down. I prayed numerous times and listened to my heartbeat. It was thudding so loud and seemingly I could hear, I was alive. Grateful for that reminder,I did my very best to change the perspective of my day. Today wasn’t the most graceful, clear, or patient day but it surely wasn’t the worse of them all. Today I survived the rain both metaphorically and literally. It was cold, damp, and somber. I was alone and truly enjoyed that part, for company was the least of my worries.

Today felt: deeply lonely and abandoned yet inwardly fulfilling.