Philophobia

How dare you get to close, staring directly at my flaws, my insecurities, I love the intimate initiation but the push through at the end is exactly where my weakness lies. Self destructive behavior turns happy moments into terrible ones.

Left unsure of my own self worth, my mind spins like records, whispering inappropriate slurs into my subconscious. Reminded every time is my fault, well failure ensues. I’ll fuck Up a good thing If you let me. I’ll go ghost and and stop texting you too. Change is my only constant so when they stay the same it feels uneasy if I’m being honest. I promise it’s not you, I just get in my own way. I didn’t grow up seeing a man love a woman from day to day. I never had a father wake me and tell me I was important and could conquer the impossible. I’m self sufficient, I do it myself even on the days I lack energy or spirit. My mother just told me get good grades and stay in school but I hate school and grades ain’t shit but a memory tool for shit that ain’t memorable.

So yes I’m hard press to love you, I used to think it was death until I experienced it is merely an illusion we experience over and over, so the only thing that terrifies me is being loved.

I’m Philophobic…

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