Moment of truth I struggle with intimacy, more so in the form of both Platonic and intimate relationships. I’m used to people leaving, I’m accustomed to change and variation. Stability was not provided to me as a youth. I was moved and tussled with the lack of balance and consistency. Hence my own lack thereof.
Even worse I at one point was addicted if not overly overrun by lustful desire. Logging onto explicit sites to satisfy my craving for some type of connection. Yet it was safe, no rejection, stability and lack of life’s fears.
I was once accused of sexual assault, what I knew to be a consensual encounter that then was a change of heart and respected by me, which ultimately turned into a nightmare. I knew I couldn’t bare to even go through with an act like such, yet here I was accused of something I in my years never felt was justifiable to any degree. I sat in courtrooms praying that I wouldn’t face prison time but worse face the removal from my son, the one person who loved me unconditionally in spite of my abundance of flaws and imperfections.
That occurrence scarred me beyond recovery i secluded myself and vowed to almost refrain from sex unless it was explicitly initiated by the woman (which I had to have some longevity with and utmost familiarity) and even then I felt no ease. Found myself battling with even approaching women. This years before “Me Too” or countless accusation arose against men for past transgressions or perceived ones.
I battled with the desires and my want to satisfy, protect, and love a woman, apparently a feat, as I’ve yet to grasp it properly. A single father of two and have not had a significant other in years. While all past relationships have crumbled and deteriorated.
I sit and revel in the destruction like, ” look what you’ve done.”
Wow my doubts play constant partners with these demonic shameful occurrences.
I’ve been sexually abstinent for quite some time. More so for various reasons. Days I yearn for a consistent lover and then sporadically I desire spontaneous and wild inhibition.
I’ve come to terms with my feelings and past. My heart have calmed due to knowing exactly who I am and who I am not. I’ve also accepted that my libido is no obstacle or hindrance but merely a part of me.
I am still practicing intimacy and building continuity but I’m learning from a blank canvas. As the only recollection I have of my parents are screaming and yelling matches that ended with no resolution. Two adults with terrible communication has trickled to their offspring so maybe I’ll start there and hopefully it will help my intimacy issues.
I know I shared a lot, but I couldn’t continue to judge and jury myself internally, as it has literally worn me down.
Until we meet again.
Again thank you for letting me vent, I needed this!
-A BLACK MAN