Diary of A Black Man #65

Dear Diary,

Tonight I find myself at one of my favorite places. The playground it is well after hours, it is long gone any sounds of tag or swings. Just crickets, streetlights, and empty slides. I’m in the process of unfolding and releasing the pressure of trying. Resistance has been a huge part of me and now letting go is all I intend to do. I knew I struggled with control, merely because as a child I felt out of control but obligated to take on responsibility. It being more to problems I did not create.(Let’s Revisit this later)

So I spent my life making my own messes and then attempting to help clean others up as a distraction. Leaving a blazing trail of destruction in the wake of my own actions and path. The silver lining is how that path will possibly someday be mapped.

Wow, 28 and my life not painted on the canvas how I envisioned. Pictures are worth a thousand words yet you can’t see all the ones that lie behind the lens. Filter, Angles, and Post have trapped many in time while I seek to step out of the screen and come to life. No doll, yet I was once told i’m the Black Ken and can do all things. How true that is i’m not quite sure. Yet how confident I am and fearless I’ve become tells that it very well may be valid.

So what I’ve done is draw the line….

Playing only at my leisure, outworking at others, then pursuing things I can only imagine. No vision to grand and no obstacle to stifling.

So I’ve held my own…

Letting the unwanted feel my absence while the needed appreciate my presence. This a boundary and one that makes me not in the slightest feel any form of remorse. No sight of a fuck and no desire to appease anyone not even those I value most.

So I had a few great and bad examples rolled into one and I assume that is what adulthood and parenthood presents to your children. Yet I took it as a personal mission. That mess I used to clean up was my parents to fix which to this day they’ve yet to maturely amend. But 28 years and I can care not an ounce if they do at this point. I can’t carry that weight it’s not even that heavy but not beneficial either.

I trailed a few weak mentors and their words although inspiring mostly smoke and mirror. I resented them at one point but I forgive them and move forward they are associates that taught me life’s secrets in secret.

I loved a few harlots but I can’t say I hadn’t tried to be the Don to keep them in the nearest proximity. I stepped away and realized it was cute at best and entertainment mostly. The appeal no longer lingers. I fell for a few traps and its OK because warriors never go out without first being completely destroyed.

Until my soul leaves this plane, my voice will ring, my presence will be felt, and my LEGACY will be ETERNAL. I didn’t come here to be meek so I FOCUS.

My messes tidied, my goals merely just a new day, and my BEST DAY coming as my NEXT DAY.

Then I just remember that the world is all A PLAYGROUND….

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