Diary Of A Black Man #69

I’m navigating vulnerability.

A place that I tend to not dwell. With the minor exceptions of family and very few who are not blood. The only exception are strangers. I find solitude in quiet acts of kindness and charity. I don’t post or even advertise it. Yet secretly I want to be identified as a magnanimous human, philanthropic by nature and one of consideration. I dare not share that before but I was then given this nugget of truth.

“You overly help others for you lack trust in others. It’s a small form of insecurity.”

I never saw being giving as habit but second nature and I knew how society had wronged me. When I was like 8 or 9 I wanted a PlayStation so I got one on my birthday. Long story short it was stolen and I think that was the last birthday I cared about. Before I was 12 I had many things stolen from me, forgotten, and left out.

I never had an affectionate relationship with my mother she was tough and resilient like her father. Stern and distinct. So simple acts of affection made me raise an eyebrow. I was not taught conflict resolution from my parents so either I ignored or destroyed all problems.

Detachment began to set in and the only thing I seeked was self-accomplishment.

So back to vulnerability I had it for none. I didn’t see the point many wanted to speak only ill and loved to acknowledge mistakes but also made fun of strides. I felt like I was constantly facing someone looking to sabotage me. So my guard was seldom let down.

Then I began dating and my exes while in hindsight were a reflection of me all fell short. I remember being dumped because I was a virgin. I recall losing a companion to a older guy and someone in my grade equally. I also faced the typical lie of I just need to see what’s out there while she decided to date someone who didn’t care for her only to run back to me at Summers End.

I picked up these pieces and unleashed every single one on the world. Cold, detached, yet yearning for connection and warmth. Shit then I found physical intimacy but that was another obstacle.

I’m not sure being vulnerable feels good because I love to be in control at the very least of myself. Not big on drinking, smoke but not to escape, and not your let’s go wild type. Very reserved but I know how to laugh and have a good time. At least I feel I do but that could be debatable.

I’m doing my very best to shake the harm I felt I received from the world to identify my own truth. To love in my own arena and excel at my own goals. Essentially me expressing this is a step I suppose. Only time will tell.

Until next time…

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