I am not in balance with what I do and don’t care for.

On one hand I want to be satisfied and at peace. I’ve learned to prioritize what’s valuable and and what is priceless. Different ideals and different people.

Yet what I found in my meditation today is that my identity has been warped around the concept of a partner or lack thereof. I slowed down and extended the bandwagon for what most would say is a foolish endeavor. Yet in my existence I enjoy the heroic battle of villain and protagonist. I so badly wanted to identify with the one who saves the day.

Yet now a days I mimic the very destruction, that lifts the veils of ignorance, that plagues those who I felt, knew better than I.

Numbing my very feelings with desensitized nonsense and safe havens like liquor, sex, porn, and denial. I’ve climbed into my grave and basically laid in the dirt and allowed others to cover me. Bury me by giving them my power. Given that I possess it, I’ve siphoned it to others and into others while I run in place.

I’ve been praying

I’ve been reading

I’ve been hoping

I’ve been vocal

I’ve been better

But the best is yet to come.

Yet Resilience is not equal to Resistance.

So let me EMBRACE ME!!!